


A Demons Guide To Dating

by JusticeHawk



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: And somehow more terrifying then usual because of it, Awkward Romance, Bad Flirting, But also in love, Demon being a demon, M/M, Sassy Bill, Sleep Deprivation, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2570015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JusticeHawk/pseuds/JusticeHawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill realizes he's in love with Dipper and decides to seduce him the human way. It all goes downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Demons Guide To Dating

**Author's Note:**

> This was an anon request I received on tumblr. It didn't turn out the way I wanted to. But I hope you like it anyway.

At first it was nothing. Unnoticeable and really not that big of a deal, completely ignorable. He'd find himself staring at Pine Tree more then usual but whatever, the kid was funny to watch. He was always tripping over his own feet, always so nervous and shy and jumpy. It was hilarious. 

But then he started making excuses to see the kid. A nightmare he wanted to test out, a plot he wanted to unleash, a spell or two he needed to try. It quickly escalated to the point that he'd start showing up for no reason other than to freak the kid out and see him scream a little. It was when he started to think about how cute Pine Tree was when he was all scared and determined that he realized he may have a problem.

Said problem being that he was developing weird squishy feelings for the danger prone brunette. Which was strange considering the last time he'd felt anything similar had been some three hundred years ago. And it had been even longer since he'd felt anything like that for a human of all things. But he supposed Pine Tree was an interesting little meat bag, all curiosity and quick witted intelligence in an admittedly adorable package. 

So he liked the kid, that wasn't such a big deal in retrospect. The real problem was figuring out what to do with that information. He liked Pine Tree, so obviously he wanted the kid to feel the same way. But how did he get the little brat to like him back? It wouldn't be hard to just kidnap him or something, maybe he could lock him up in his own head for a few months. 

Give him horrible nightmares of torment and loneliness that only ended when the demon was there. Get the kid so dependent on his presence and attention that he didn't know what to do without it. What was that called again? Oh yeah, Stockholm Syndrome. It would be really easy too, and Pine Tree would look so pretty breaking apart for him. 

And that was just it, it would be too easy. There was no challenge in breaking him, all it would take would be a snap of his fingers and he could have Pine Tree kneeling at his feet. It would be harder and more fun to win the kid over the human way. (He adamantly squashed the little part of himself that whispered that Pine Tree wouldn't be himself anymore if he broke him. Because that was ridiculous and completely besides the point.)

And thus his dilemma, what was the human way? In the end, he wound up snatching one of Shooting Star's girly magazines for reference. He quickly found out that the mind of a teenage girl was a terrifying place, but it was also a great source of information. There was a whole section dedicated purely to attracting your crush's attention. Simple step by step instructions, the first of which was leaving your intended romantic notes. 

That sounded easy enough. 

The next day Dipper woke up with a sleepy murmur. He turned onto his back, blinking up at the ceiling and trying to force the last remnants of dreamland from his mind. Said remnants didn't last long. Dipper paled, his eyes widening and mouth dropping open in silent horror. 

"I'm always watching you." The ceiling promised in large letters that looked like they were probably written in blood.

His scream didn't wake the whole house but it sure as hell woke Mabel.

The next couple of notes were equally romantic and terrifying, found in such creative places as the bathroom mirror which vowed, "You can't escape me." And later the kitchen wall swore, "I'll follow you forever." 

Stan of course was ticked off and immediately demanded that Soos wash it off. He would've gotten Dipper to do it but the kid had taken one look at it before yelling in frustrated terror and running out of the shack.

He was so cute when he was scared.

With that done Bill moved on to the next task, give him a massage. 

It was late into the night and Dipper had only just managed to get to sleep after hours of lying awake in vaguely horrified expectation. He came awake suddenly, lying flat on his stomach with his arms splayed out on either side of him. It took him a few seconds to pinpoint what exactly had woken him up but when he did his eyes blew wider then dinner plates. Something was rubbing his back. He screamed and tried to jerk away but found he couldn't move and his yells were quickly silenced by a large hand covering his mouth. 

"Shh," a quiet and oddly pitched voice soothed, "just relax and enjoy it. And don't scream," whoever was on top of him leaned closer to whisper the next words into his ear, "your sister is sleeping."

The hand was removed and placed on his back where it and it's match began rubbing and pressing soothingly. It felt nice, and was one of the most terrifying things that had ever happened to him. He didn't dare to scream again, not when he couldn't move and Mabel was sleeping and vulnerable across the room. Instead he just lay there and endured the weirdly nice back rub. It went on for what felt like hours before it ended and the hands retreated. 

A snicker sounded in the dark and long finger's slid briefly through his hair. "Sleep well kid." and then the man was gone and Dipper could finally move again. 

He didn't sleep for the rest of the night. When Mabel woke the next morning he was curled in a bundle of blankets with his back pressed firmly against the wall, clutching his journal to his chest. 

Personally, Bill thought that had gone pretty well. Which meant he was ready for task number three, gift giving. 

Understandably after the previous nights visit, Dipper was incredibly freaked out. He was jittery and jumpy and when  Stan touched his shoulder at breakfast, he screamed and threw eggs in his face. 

This time he had to clean it up. So he wasn't incredibly surprised when he cautiously stepped outside the shack only to nearly step on a heart.

It was still beating. 

He stared at it for a few minutes before turning around and walking back inside. Bill frowned in confusion at the reaction. Didn't human's like getting hearts as presents? There was a whole holiday dedicated to the idea wasn't there? Geez, Pine Tree sure was a weird kid.

Shrugging, the demon decided not to take it personally and moved onto the next item on his romantic agenda. Dress to impress. Wear clothing you know your crush likes. Now this one would be difficult. Sure he knew what kind of clothes Pine Tree liked but it would be physically painful to dress that badly. Glaring up at the sky he pondered just skipping the idea and picking something else. 

But the magazine had stressed that this step was crucial. Rolling his eye he shifted into a human form. He'd do it, but there was no way he was wearing the shorts. 

Dipper was done, he was absolutely and completely one hundred percent done. He was going to find whoever was doing this and stop them no matter what because this was ridiculous and getting out of hand. A heart on his doorstep,  a freaking heart. And it was still beating! Shoving a packet of salt into his pocket he huffed angrily. 

This had to end. 

"Hey Pine Tree!" Dipper yelled and dropped the bat he was picking up. He turned on his heel and came face to face with Bill Cipher.

"Seriously?" Dipper demanded weakly. "I know I've asked before and I know it's not likely to happen but could you stop doing that?" 

The demon grinned at him. "Don't be so sour kid, where's the fun in life without a bit of healthy excitement?"

Dipper scowled, feeling himself start to relax for the first time in days. Sure Bill was a demon and more then likely here to give him nightmares or something but that was normal. And it was oddly soothing to just sit back and banter with the shapeshifter. He wasn't going to look to closely at that line of thought. "There's nothing healthy about-" he trailed off as he actually focused on Cipher. "Are you wearing my clothes?"

"A more fashionable variation," Bill corrected gesturing to his dress pants, "but basically yeah." He wiggled his eyebrows at the preteen. "You like it?"

Dipper gaped at him for a few seconds before snapping his jaw shut and sighing. "I don't know what you're up to but honestly I'm to tired to figure it out right now." He bent quickly to retrieve the bat and began heading out the door before the demon could react. "You can turn my toes into crying snakes or make me throw up acorns later, I've got to take care of this. See ya." And with that the kid was gone, leaving Bill floating shocked in the middle of the attic.

Shock slowly gave way to anger and his body burned red and hot as fire swelled around him. How dare that boy dismiss him, he went through the trouble of putting on these wretched clothes and he just left? That insolent little wretch! He was going to burn his eyes out of his sockets, rip out his vocal cords and break his knees! He was-he forcefully reigned in his anger and took a deep, shuddering breath. 

No, no, he wanted the boy whole and alive. There would be no point to any of this is he just ended up maiming the child. Then again, it wasn't as if he couldn't fix him up after he was done. Probably. Frowning, Bill allowed his clothes to revert back to a more dapper and fashionable look.

This it seemed, had been a complete disaster. He'd take a few hours to cool off before moving on to his last tactic. If it didn't work then maybe he'd end up maiming Pine Tree a little anyway. 

After a long day of searching for clues concerning his mystery stalker Dipper was forced to admit that aside from the ones left around the shack, there weren't any. It was with a heavy, anxious heart that Dipper began the long trudge back home, dragging his bat behind him in the dirt. He had to admit, that a part of him was thrilled at the mystery his stalker presented. Horribly freaked out but also incredibly intrigued. Obviously it was someone magically talented to be able to sneak so effortlessly around the shack. To be able to paralyze his body and leave still beating hearts on his porch. 

But for the life of him he couldn't figure out who it could be. What sort of magically inclined person would be interested in following him around? Well, aside from Cipher, but somehow this just didn't seem like him. He was usually the type to make a grand entrance and flaunt his manipulations and silver words. He was definitely sneaky and powerful enough to pull these kinds of weird creepy pranks off but, it really just wasn't like him. 

Unless he was messing with him again, in which case this was exactly the kind of thing Bill would do.

"There you are Pine Tree!" Speak of the devil. Dipper looked up to find Bill grinning down at him for the second time today. Only this time he was wearing his usual fancy attire and twirling a bright yellow cane around absently. "What're you doing all the way out here?"

Dipper sighed tiredly. "Nothing." He muttered grumpily, and then almost absently, "did you want something?" 

The demon raised an eyebrow at the strangely casual words. "Hmm, nope!" He smiled and held out his hand, palm up. "But I do have something for you." With a brief burst of blue a pristine crystal glass appeared in his hand, filled to the brim with- 

"Ice cream?" Dipper asked dumbfounded. "You're, giving me ice cream."

"Sure am kid!" The demon agreed flicking the dessert towards Dipper's chest. The boy was quick to grab it before Bill's magic dropped it to the ground. 

Dipper stared down at the ice cream for a moment. "Is it going to eat me?"

"No but that sounds fun." Bill grinned. "I could make it eat you if you wanted."

Dipper blinked at him, clearly still in shock. "I, no that's okay." After a moment he flushed and continued with a quiet embarrassed sounding, "thank you." 

The demon smirked. "Wow, you're pretty cute when you blush." 

Dipper shot him a startled look, and the blush swelled, spreading across his face. "I-I've gotta go thanks for the ice cream bye." The kid squeaked quickly before taking off at a much quicker pace, leaving his bat lying on the forest floor and a pleased demon floating in his wake. So apparently making your crush's favorite food worked pretty well. Maybe he wouldn't have to maim the kid after all.

Whistling cheerfully to himself, Bill decided that in light of this success he was finally going to go ahead and take Pine Tree on one of those human dates. Yep, this was going to work out great, he could feel it.  
~o~  
"Damn it Bill put me down!" Dipper snapped struggling to forcibly wiggle his way out of the glowing blue, magic that was keeping him floating along behind Bill. The demon grinned back at him cheekily. 

"Don't worry Pine Tree, we're almost there." 

"Oh god the ice cream was poisoned wasn't it?" Dipper asked with a resigned sort of horror. "It was poisoned and you're going to, sacrifice me or use me in a ritual or something." He groaned and tossed his head back. "I'm going to die."

"Geez you're grim," Bill snorted. "I'm not going to kill you Pine Tree, I've got something much more fun planned for tonight."

Dipper continued to look weary so with a roll of his eye Bill flicked his finger and brought the floating boy to his side. Long, black gloved fingers gripped the wide eyed brunette's his chin. "Don't look so nervous. These kinds of things are supposed to be fun right?"

Dipper narrowed his eyes at him. "What kinds of things?" 

"Shh," The demon shushed him flippantly as he turned back to the forest. "We're almost there." 

"But-"

"Zip it kid or you'll scare them off." 

The brunette frowned in confusion. "Scare them off?" He mumbled just as they pushed past a tall bunch of bushes and into a clearing. Dipper immediately understood what Bill had meant. All around, glowing softly in the moonlight were tiny winged creatures that looked like-

"Fairies," Dipper breathed in awe as he was finally set down. "Those are fairies."

"Close." The demon murmured back. "They're sap nymphs. You see the blue sap they're gathering?" At Dipper's distracted nod he continued, "it's called Sanitas Sap, it can only be extracted from the Sanitas Tree's at night because during the day the trees burn anyone who touches them."

"Why are they harvesting it?" Dipper whispered, not taking his eyes off the nymphs. 

Bill grinned. "Because it's their job Pine Tree. They gather the sap and take it to any injured creatures in the forest. Once spread on a wound, it will instantly begin to heal, no matter how severe." 

Dipper gaped. "Seriously?" He asked sounding excited.

"Yep." Bill smirked. "So, good date?" 

Dipper snapped his head around to look at him. "Date? This is a date?" Then incredulously, "you like me?" 

Bill raised an eyebrow at him. "Obviously, you sure are dense Pine Tree. Why did you think I've been doing all these ridiculous human romantic things?" 

The male mystery twin looked confused for a moment before understanding seemed to dawn. "It was you!" He exclaimed. Around the clearing, hundreds of startled nymphs chittered in fright and quickly flew off. 

"You scared them off." 

"You're the one who's been stalking me!" Dipper continued as if there had been no interruption at all.

"Is that what you humans are calling this whole courting thing these days?" Bill asked sounding amused. "Man, you flesh bags are weird."

"Courting?!" Dipper's voice got impossibly higher. "I-you-are you serious?! That's why you've been doing this?! The bloody threats, paralyzing me, the heart?! You like me?!"

Bill shot him an almost pitying look. "Wow you really are dense." 

Dipper gestures wildly for a moment before spitting out an exasperated, "why didn't you just ask me out?!" 

The demon gestured around them pointedly. "Hate to break it to you Pine Tree, but we're already out." 

"That's not the point." The boy snapped pointing at him. "You didn't ask, you're supposed to ask!"

"Would you've said yes?" 

"Probably!" 

Bill smirked at him. "Will you go be my boyfriend Pine Tree?"

"Yes!" Dipper yelled before dropping to the ground and angrily crossing his arms over his chest. Bill snickered and leaned over, pressing a kiss to the pouting boy's cheek.

"Good." He hummed sounding pleased. "Now I won't have to tear out your eyes."

Dipped blanched. "You were going to tear out my eyes?" 

"Only if you said no." The demon trilled dropping to the ground next to him. As a long arm wrapped around Dipper's shoulders he came to a horrifying realization. A demon had just asked him out. And he'd said yes.

Dipper groaned, burying his face in his hands. "Oh god. I'm going to regret this."

"Geez kid, you're such a pessimist." Bill snorted. "Don't worry so much, you said yes, I'm not going to take your eyes."

Oh yeah, he was definitely to regret this.


End file.
